Shitty Waiter
A Lesson in Economics
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT
A slow night at Bread, Broth and Beyond. Mitchell clears the soup bowls from the table of DIRK and CATHY, a couple in their mid-forties.
DIRK
That clam chowder was delicious.
CATHY
It truly was. Excellent service, as well.
MITCHELL
Could I interest you in any dessert tonight?
CATHY
(purring)
Oooh. Dessert. Most definitely.
DIRK
Bring the lady a menu, if you would, good sir.
Mitchell does. Cathy looks over the menu.
CATHY
Oooh. Hmmm. That’ll go straight to my hips.
DIRK
So will I, once we get home!
Cathy erupts into a shrill, snorting laugh. Dirk chuckles in a seedy manner. The couple looks to Mitchell for approval, who puts on a phony laugh to appease them.
CATHY
Oh, you. You are so bad!
She turns her attention back on the dessert menu.
CATHY (CONT’D)
Oh, my! Goodness. Gracious. Wow. Oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. Maybe. Definitely no. That looks good, but.
She points to an item on the menu.
CATHY (CONT’D)
That, on the other hand! How decadent. How lugubrious. How lascivious. I must have it.
Mitchell peers at the menu.
MITCHELL
The vanilla ice cream?
CATHY
Mmm-hmmm.
MITCHELL
Would the lady like her ice cream topped with a little vanilla syrup, perhaps.
CATHY
(gushing)
Oh, gee, I don’t know . . .
DIRK
Come on. Live it up.
CATHY
Oh, why not?
MITCHELL
(in flawless French)
Tres bien.
(fluidly transitioning back to English)
Anything for you, sir?
Dirk, without looking, randomly stabs his finger to the dessert menu.
DIRK
I’ll have that.
Mitchell delivers a scoop of vanilla ice cream topped with vanilla syrup to Cathy.
CATHY
(intent on her ice cream)
Oooh! Will you look at that?
For Dirk is a monstrous sundae topped with chocolate syrup, gold flakes, berries, gummy bears, tiny blueberry muffins, American flags, plastic army men, and sprinkles. Bottle rockets are stuck into the ice cream.
DIRK
Now that’s what I call a dessert.
Mitchell produces a lighter and lights a bottle rocket. It HISSES and SQUEALS as it flares and leaps from the dessert, missing Mitchell by mere centimeters. Mitchell jumps. The bottle rocket POPS.
MITCHELL
(to himself)
Jesus Christ.
DINING ROOM - LATER
Dirk and Cathy are gone. Mitchell clears their table. He picks up the credit card receipt and looks at it.
INSERT - RECEIPT
The receipt reads. “MEAL: $98.14, TIP: $1.86, TOTAL: $100.00”
BACK TO SCENE
Mitchell is crestfallen.
PARKING LOT
Dirk and Cathy are getting into their BMW. Mitchell approaches them.
MITCHELL
Excuse me.
Dirk and Cathy stop, confused.
DIRK
Can I help you with something?
MITCHELL
Was there something wrong with my service?
CATHY
Heavens, no. Everything was great.
DIRK
Absolutely top drawer.
MITCHELL
Because I couldn’t help but notice that you didn’t leave me a very good tip. I only make a dollar and nineteen cents an hour so I have to rely on tips.
DIRK
Oh, that. Well, you know. The economy.
CATHY
Yeah. The economy.
MITCHELL
The economy?
DIRK
The economy.
CATHY
It’s not us. It’s the economy.
DIRK
Plus I really like round numbers.
CATHY
He really does.
MITCHELL
All right then. You folks have a good night.
KITCHEN
The cook is counting a stack of bills. Mitchell enters.
COOK
Nice people. Leaving me a tip like that.
MITCHELL
Those two that just left?
COOK
Yeah. They totally appreciate the hard work I do to make their food.
MITCHELL
But you make twenty-two bucks an hour.
COOK
Yeah, but I have a skill. You servers just carry food.
DISHWASHER
Mitchell is about to leave. He notices some garbage on the floor.
INSERT - FLOOR
On the floor are two cinder blocks with chains looped through them.
BACK TO SCENE
Cook peeks his head in the room.
COOK
Jim was supposed to throw those away, but I don’t know where he is. Could you take those to the dumpster?
Mitchell sighs.
EXT. NEAR DUMPSTER
Mitchell, with much difficulty, lugs the chain-looped cinder blocks to the dumpster.
He is about to throw them in the dumpster, but pauses. He looks at his car in the parking lot.
SECLUDED ROAD - NIGHT
Dirk’s BMW coasts down a lonely country road.
INT. BMW
Dirk drives, Cathy rides shotgun. OPERA MUSIC plays on the stereo. Dirk sings along. Cathy wears a look of satisfaction.
SECLUDED ROAD
Dirk’s BMW approaches a bridge spanning a body of water.
INT. BMW
A pair of headlights appears in behind the car. Dirk continues to sing.
CATHY
Dirk.
(beat)
Dirk. I think we’re being followed.
DIRK
Nonsense.
CATHY
No, I really--
Suddenly the headlights flare behind them as the car behind the BMW CRASHES into them.
CATHY (CONT’D)
(screaming)
Oh my god!
Dirk struggles to maintain control of the car.
INT. MITCHELL’S CAR
Mitchell is at the wheel. He LAUGHS menacingly. Sparks shower the windshield.
BRIDGE
Mitchell’s car pushes the BMW through the guardrail and off the bridge. It lands in the water with a terrible SPLASH.
WATER
The BMW sinks below the surface.
BRIDGE
Mitchell gets out of his car, dragging the chain-looped cinder blocks toward the guard rail.
WATER
Dirk and Cathy surface. They tread water in the black lake.
CATHY
Dirk, oh my god, what are we going to do?
DIRK
I’m going to make sure I get that guy’s insurance information, that’s for darn sure.
DIRK AND CATHY’S POV
A dark silhouette appears at the broken railing of the bridge.
BACK TO SCENE
DIRK
(calling out)
Can we get a little help down here?
DIRK AND CATHY’S POV
The silhouette throws something from the edge of the bridge.
BACK TO SCENE
The chain-looped cinder block lands neatly around Dirk’s neck. It drags him under the the surface of the water.
CATHY
(calling out)
I think you should throw something a little lighter. The cinder block seems to be sinking.
BRIDGE
Mitchell throws the other chain-looped cinder block over the bridge. It rings itself around Cathy’s neck and drags her under.
Mitchell swats his hands together to brush off the debris.
MITCHELL
(to himself)
I’m doing them a favor, really.
(beat)
Who wants to go on living in such abject poverty?
