The Bike Thief
Work is for Jerks
INT. COFFEELAND - DAY
Doug is working the cash register. His hat, strapped to his head, is a giant CoffeeLand cup that is topped with a gigantic dollop of whipped cream. The word “TRAINEE” is emblazoned on the hat.
A CYCLIST WOMAN stands at the register wearing a lycra bicycle getup. Doug leans forward to give the Young Woman her change.
DOUG
And seventeen cents is your change.
As he puts the change in her hand he leans forward too far. We see that Doug’s trainee hat is actually filled with coffee and whipped cream as some of its contents spill forward onto his and the Cyclist Woman’s arm.
CYCLIST WOMAN
Uh!
DOUG
Oh, sorry. Let me get you a towel.
She pulls her hand away.
CYCLIST WOMAN
Forget it. I’m all right.
She pitches the seventeen cents in to the tip jar.
CYCLIST WOMAN (CONT’D)
Thanks for the excellent service.
She walks off. Dolly, next in line, goes to the counter.
DOLLY
How’s it going, hon?
DOUG
Not so good.
DOLLY
Well, it’s about to get worse.
She drops a stack of envelopes on the counter.
DOLLY (CONT’D)
These shut-off notices came today.
She paws through the tip jar.
DOLLY (CONT’D)
I don’t think this is going to cover it.
DOUG
I’ll go talk to them when my shift is over.
DOLLY
I don’t think they accept vanilla lattes for payment.
The COFFEELAND MANAGER appears next to Doug holding a can of whipped cream and a pot of coffee.
COFFEELAND MANAGER
I see you spilled a little there, bud. Let me top you off. Hold still, now.
He mounts a stepladder. He tops off the coffee in Doug’s trainee hat and touches up the whipped cream.
COFFEELAND MANAGER (CONT’D)
(admiring his handiwork)
That’s better.
(beat)
Do me a favor and take out the trash. Will you, bud?
DOUG
(to Dolly)
Look. I’m a little busy right now. We’ll talk when I get home.
BEHIND COFFEELAND
Doug, wearing the trainee hat, carries a large bag filled with garbage toward the dumpster. Spontaneously, the bag rips apart and spills its contents over the asphalt. Doug bends over to pick up the garbage and all the coffee and whipped cream spills out of his hat, soaking him. He tears the hat from his head and begins to kick it.
Offscreen, the sound of CLAPPING can be heard. Doug looks around and sees Sal leaning against a wall. He is wearing a pair of velvety sweatpants from his recent heist. He cradles a can of beer in the crook of his arm and applauds.
SAL
Oh, no. Not the hat! It looked good on you. It was slimming.
DOUG
What are you doing here, Sal?
SAL
Just came to see how our working man is doing.
DOUG
I’m doing great, Sal. Isn’t that obvious.
Sal, ignoring Doug, studies the top of his beer can.
SAL (CONT’D)
(reading)
California Redemption Value.
DOUG
What?
SAL
California Redemption Value. You ever think about that, Doug?
DOUG
Why would I?
SAL
We live in California, right?
DOUG
Yeah, Sal. Last time I checked.
(beat)
What’s the point of all this, Sal? I’ve got work to do.
SAL
Aluminum, Doug. Aluminum’s the point.
(beat)
What you do is get yourself a bunch of these aluminum cans and take ‘em down to a recycling center. They weigh ‘em and give you money. Simple, right? You ain’t committing no crime so you don’t end up back in jail. Plus you don’t have to spend your days wearing that silly hat.
DOUG
You’re talking nonsense, Sal. What makes you think I wanna spend my time picking up empty cans?
SAL
Forget it. I was just trying to help.
Sal drains the rest of the can, tosses it on the ground, and begins to walk off.
SAL (CONT’D)
There’s a little seed money for ya.
COFFEELAND PATIO
Doug, soaked in coffee and whipped cream, walks back toward work. The Cyclist Woman sits at a table, talking on a cell phone. Her expensive bicycle is leaning next to her. He looks at it.
INSERT - BICYCLE
The word “Aluminum” is written on the bicycle frame. Doug remembers Sal’s words.
SAL (V.O.)
(with echo effect)
Aluminum, Doug. Aluminum’s the point.
BACK TO SCENE
Doug looks at the bicycle, then the Cyclist Woman. She continues gabbing on her cell phone.
Without warning, Doug mounts the bicycle and begins to pedal away. The Cyclist Woman stands.
CYCLIST WOMAN
Hey! Stop!
STREET
Doug pedals away furiously.
COFFEELAND PATIO
CYCLIST WOMAN
Stop him! He stole my bike! Somebody stop him!
STREET
Doug, with the wind in his hair, smiles as he speeds down the street.
