The Gristling
Phil Meets Lane
INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT
Phil is packing a suitcase. His wife TABBY, a stout, bespectacled, innocuous woman, is hovering about the room. Another poster of Doug Liston in his number 08 shirt is on the wall.
TABBY
Are you sure this is a good idea, Phil?
PHIL
It’s Lane LaJackson we’re talking about, Tabby. The man who trained Doug Liston, one of the finest tri-atheletes ever, not to mention four time olympic gold medalist.
Tabby puts her arms around Phil.
TABBY
But you don’t have to change for me, Philly. I love you just the way you are.
PHIL
I’m not doing it for you, Tab. It’s for me. It’s just something I got to do.
(beat)
I don’t want to spend my whole life wondering what if.
TABBY
Oh, when I think about you coming home all fit and trim, I just worry. Will you even want me anymore?
PHIL
Of course I will. You’re the only girl for me, Tab.
TABBY
You better call me every night you’re away. You promise?
PHIL
I promise.
INT. AIRPORT - DAY
ESCALATOR
Phil, carrying a suitcase, rides the escalator down.
WAITING AREA
Lane LaJackson, seeing Phil’s approach, grins widely and gives the double thumbs up.
EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY
A limousine coasts down the highway.
INT. LIMOUSINE
Lane and Phil are sitting in the back of the limo. Phil is doing curls with a small pink free weight.
LANE
Are you hungry, Phil? Do you want to get something to eat?
PHIL
It was kind of a long flight.
LANE
(with derision)
I thought you’d be.
(nice again)
Well, we’ll get you a smoothie later. First we’ve got a stop to make.
(calling out to driver)
Hey, you’re going to miss the exit!
EXT. HILL
The DRIVER stands outside the limo.
Phil and Lane trot out to a large hill. A giant boulder is resting at the foot.
FOOT OF THE HILL
LANE
On to the first order of business. See this boulder?
PHIL
Yeah.
HILL
A gigantic boulder sits at the foot of a very steep hill.
LANE
I want you to push it up to the top of that hill.
FOOT OF THE HILL
PHIL
You can’t be serious.
LANE
(laughing)
Of course I’m not serious, Phil. It would be entirely stupid to push that boulder up the hill. You know why?
PHIL
Uh-uh.
LANE
Because come tomorrow that darn things going to be sitting right back where it is. Now, you may be wondering why I brought you out here, so I’ll tell you. It’s to illustrate a very important flaw in ordinary exercise routines.
(beat)
They all allow that boulder to come rolling back down the hill. The beauty of my program is that we never rest. That boulder doesn’t stand a chance.
PHIL
Isn’t that a bit dangerous?
Lane claps Phil on the back.
LANE
Ha! You know who asked me that very same question?
(beat)
Doug Liston, that’s who.
PHIL
Really?
LANE
He most certainly did, Phil. And look where he is today.
PHIL
In retirement?
LANE
That may be true, but Doug’s not the kind of man to let himself go to seed. He’s still one of the finest physical specimens ever to grace god’s green earth.
(beat)
Hey! Maybe I can arrange an introduction.
PHIL
That’d be awesome!
LANE
But first, we’ve got work to do. Back to the limo.
They walk toward the limousine.
HILL
LANE (CONT’D)
Get those knees up!
Phil begins to trot.
LANE (CONT’D)
Hustle! Hustle!
