Torcano!

Poultry Massacre

EXT. POULTRY FARM - MORNING

CROWD

The West family is among a large group of spectators gathered around a large poultry farm.  Thousands of chickens in flimsy pens CLUCK nervously.

OUTSKIRTS OF CROWD

Marty Fluff, Tina Olecnowicz, Donald Trivet, the Cameraman, and various members of the news crew are present to report the event.  Marty Fluff, wearing hat shaped like a torcano, addresses the camera.  Tina holds a large cardboard box filled with small swaths of differently colored fabric.

MARTY FLUFF

As you can see, a rather large crowd has gathered to witness the death of the torcano.  I have a feeling we’re going to see a lot of cold chickens here in the very near future.

Tina takes a swath of fabric and holds it for the camera.

TINA

Fortunately, Maynard County’s Church of the Everlovin’ Savior has pulled together in a massive relief effort and donated four-thousand chicken blankets.

MARTY FLUFF

Our many thanks goes out to the church.

(hammy)

On behalf of the chickens, I’d like to say bawk bawk.

TINA

(fawning, laughing)

Oh, Marty, you are such a dipshit.  I swear.

Donald Trivet interrupts.

TRIVET

There it is.  Torcano at twelve o’clock.

All attention is focused to the horizon.  The flaming torcano churns in the distance.

TRIVET (CONT’D)

Just as I predicted.  It should reach the poultry farm in two and a half minutes.

MARTY FLUFF

I’m going to take this opportunity to lift my Wacky Weather Advisory for Maynard County.

He takes off his hat.

CROWD

The West family watches the approaching torcano.  In the distance, it uproots a gigantic oak tree.  It’s branches and roots burst into flame as it is lifted into the air.

DEBORAH

Are you sure this is a good idea, Henry?

HENRY

I’m beginning to have my doubts.

(to Pete)

Pete, take your sister and get in the truck.

PETE

But, dad!

HENRY

You just do what I say, Pete.  That’s part of being a man.

PETE

Aw, geez.

He takes Dorothy by the wrist and leads her toward the truck.

PETE (CONT’D)

Come on, dipshit.

The torcano bears down on the farm.  The buildings, chickens, and crowd reflect red lava.  A fierce wind tears through the scene.

HENRY

Run!

The crowd begins to scatter.  The torcano reaches the chickens.  Chickens burst into flame and are sucked into the torcano.  Horrendous SQUAWKS and AVIAN SCREAMS are heard.

The news crew begins to scatter.  Trivet stays, puzzled.

TRIVET

(to himself)

This is impossible.

(beat)

How could my calculations be wrong?

A flaming chicken lands on his head.  Trivet HOWLS in pain as his hair catches fire.  He runs in a small circle, flailing his arms.

TRIVET (CONT’D)

Oh, god.  Oh, god.

Trivet’s flaming body is sucked into the torcano.

Marty, Tina, and the cameraman run for the news van.

MARTY

(yelling to crowd)

The Wacky Weather Advisory is officially back on!  I repeat, The Wacky Weather Advisory is in effect!

As they near the van it is lifted off the ground by the wind.

CAMERAMAN

Oh, shit.

MARTY FLUFF

What do we do?

Tina points.

TINA

There.

The Wests are piling into their pickup truck.

TINA (CONT’D)

Run for it!

Tina, Marty, and the cameraman run for the truck as the torcano bears down on them.

The cameraman is sucked into the torcano.

Tina and Marty jump into the bed of the pickup truck as it pulls away.